In my fantasy MILF meets DILF, they fall in love and live
happily ever after. The MILF and DILF children all hold hands and sing Kumbaya
to the universe for bringing two such deserving albeit broken families
together. With all wounds healed, and the loneliness of single parenthood
behind them, joy abounds, bonds are made and a new family emerges from the
rubble. In retrospect I really should have been so much more specific in my
MILF meets DILF manifesting visualization practices. I should have envisioned the
ex-wife holding hands and singing Kumbaya along with everyone else. My bad!
The Ex’s cooperation in this little scenario was a lot more
vital than I realized.
In my own childhood divorce drama the animosity primarily
stayed between my mother and father. The new partners were, for the most part left out of the bickering or backstabbing.
Although my mother admitted later that even though she’d
never wanted my father back, it stung a little to learn that he was the first
to meet someone new. Mostly because she
was so mad at him by the time the divorce was done she just didn’t want to
think of him as anything other than lonely and miserable.
Anyhow, she did what any good
mother would and she zipped it. She knew that whoever this poor unwitting soul
was, she was going to play a vital role in the lives of her children.
She actually felt somewhat relieved to know that there would
be a nurturing and stabilising influence around for us kids. Because she was a
smarty like that, I was able to embrace my new step-mother and felt deep
appreciation for her in my life. I also have a deep appreciation for my mother
who put aside her own anguish for my sake.
I guess I expected that every other mother would do the same…wrong-o.
And so, naivete, blind love and good intentions completely skewed my
better judgement. I skipped happily out
to the step child’s soccer games and school events holding hands with my yummy
DILF early in our relationship. I made friends with the other moms. I set up
play dates with friends at school. I was determined to be there for my DILF. Now these things are innocent enough and maybe I was under some delusion that my involvement would ease the ex's mind...wrong again.
Let’s face it, no woman signs up for motherhood with the
intention of having another woman raise her children, even part time. These
sorts of scenarios can make any ex jealous, angry even.
The angry ex is usually angry because she’s been hurt or
betrayed and I get that. Betrayal sucks, and anger is justified, but most good mothers get over it in time.
But sometimes the ex becomes angry because she is the betrayer, and been caught and turfed out on her butt. In this case,
we are dealing with an Evil Ex. In the case of the Evil Ex, even well intentioned involvent such as watching a soccer game may trigger an alchemical reaction likened only to that of the making of a
Marvel Comic Super Villain. Super Villains are dangerous. They might try to run over your
DILF in her car. They might make a lot of noise in public places. They might attempt to
have your DILF committed, or much, much worse, so much worse actually, I won’t
even dare to blog it. But the WORST, worst thing a Super Villain Evil Ex will do is
involve the children. Making a child choose between two parents and a bonus mom,
who just wants to have fun with them and make them happy is... So Not Cool.
So here is my advice: When the Evil-Ex can’t keep her shit
together for the well being of her own children, then you must. You must become the super-stepmother heroin and
dig deep into your chest and pull out a big fat chunk of empathy, because only
your empathy can neutralize her super villain powers.
Empathy will serve to keep you neutral, and neutral is
everything when it comes to your relationship and the well being of those
kids.
Empathy will serve you in the eyes of your partner, who only
wants peace in his home and stability for his children who are grieving. He will love you more for staying above any
drama the Evil Ex tries to serve up.
It won’t be easy. Practicing empathy for an Evil Ex can feel
about as easy as natural child birth. I
wish someone had told me, I would have gone to Buddhist boot camp for empathy
sooner. Persevere. You might need
stiches from biting your tongue when you want to retaliate with some choice words
of your own. Alas, I have slipped. But you will never trump the Evil Ex by
playing her game. Transform. Don your
glossy cape and be the Super-Step-mom you were meant to be! OK, I’m being
dramatic. Just swill down a big fat helping of suck it up butter-cup and be the peace you want to create in your
new family.
Go ahead, hold hands and sing Kumbaya until it hurts.
Your step children will respect you for it and be happier
and healthier for it, even if they aren’t allowed to love you for it…yet.
Wow, that is very well written. You really convey the importance of keeping a good sense of humor to help one get through challenging times. You offer great advice. I agree that it is essential to stay empathetic in this situation, bite your tongue, keep the peace and not play that nasty ex's game. It must be very difficult to stay in check. You would certainly need to tap into your super powers to do so. Keep doing what you're doing. You will be triumphant because you, my darling, are a Super Step Mom!!
ReplyDeleteThank you Nikki...thank God its thirsty Thursday and I have a vat of wine...Im sure I can fit.
Delete