I am a total freak

Speaking of our weekend getaway…

I really want my 16 year old son to come.

He is the apple of my eye and at 6’3 he’s a big hunky apple.

I love him. For those of you with younger children, please don’t take it for granted that you will forever be the apple of your little man’s eye.

I remember when the Toad was about 7 we often read “I love you forever” by Robert Munch before bed.  Every time, I bawled like a baby at the ending.  

On one occassion, the littleToad looked up at me with his big blue eyes and freckly nose, and in a very sarcastic tone said “really, mom?”  as in... "could you stop blubbering already you freak?"

ANY-HOO…

There was a time I distinctly remember, when Shawn promised me that he would always want to live with me. I explained that one day he would grow up and get married and have a family of his own. I assured him that he would not always want to live with me. The little toad could not even fathom the words I was saying and his eyes welled with tears at the mere thought of it. Those were the days.

Getting Toad involved with any family activities these days  is akin to pulling teeth. That was, until Freckle Face came on the scene.

Freckle Face is my favourite person. She is 16 and pretty and smart and when FF is around The Toadactually resembles a human being. He showers, he brushes his teeth and he speaks to me in a tone that is just slightly less sarcastic than his usual one. Thank goodness she is around a lot!

I had the ingenious notion that is if FF would come camping, then Toad would come too. Maybe he would even hang out and go tubing down the creek, or biking on the trails with us. It was brilliant!  Convincing FF's mom that she should come away for the weekend with her boyfriend and his family was another story. Crap.

So here’s what I did… I called Freckle Faces mom. I was determined to convince her that we are responsible, and that of course they will be supervised and have separated tents etc.

The chat started out so well. We talked about how cute this teenage puppy love is between our kids and how much we both love the others child. I had her all buttered up. I thought “this is great I got this in the bag, no problem-o”.  Alas but, no. You know when a conversation is about to take a turn into disappointment -ville.  The tone of voice shifts from perky and optimistic to:  “listen, you people are great, but we just don’t think at 16 it’s appropriate…” “I know” I say ”I understand… sniff” Then I did what any desperate to have her only son come on a camping trip mother would do… I started to cry.  I started to blubber and cry on the phone to FF's mom like an utterly hormonal pre-empty nester “But... but... but…Toad won’t come if FF doesn’t come! he doesn’t want to hang out with me any more! He’s going to move out and we will never have had this weekend together and this is so unfair and it's all your fault!!!  Can she come PLEEEEAAAASE??? “

I didn’t win that fight.

Kiddies in the middle

Ironic that only last night I posted a tragic tale of bad parental behaviour and its toll on the innocent. Distpite everything I have witnessed over the past 18th months of my relationship with DD, I am still shocked and amazed when the Evil Ex's weapon of choice is her own the children.

Last week DD politely requested the Evil Ex send the passports along so we could head over the line and go camping in Anacortes Wa. for the weekend. We did not recieve a reply. Another polite reminder was sent this am. Here's how the conversation went, pretty much verabatum.

DD "Just reminding you that we need the childrens passports for our trip this weekend."

EE "I will not be sending the passports with the children"

DD "why are you punishing the children?"

EE "I will have them call you later to discuss"

DD "you will have them call to discuss? They are 10 and 8. Why are you putting the children in the middle?"

EE (silence)

DD "Your selfishness never ceases to amaze..."

EE (silence)

EE's inner monologue "Oh, I am so clever! I just totally screwed... uh-I mean saved my children from a horrible weekend by the seaside, swimming, riding bikes, hiking into waterfalls and roasting schmores over the campfire"

Seriously, who are these people?

The Evil Ex

In my fantasy MILF meets DILF, they fall in love and live happily ever after. The MILF and DILF children all hold hands and sing Kumbaya to the universe for bringing two such deserving albeit broken families together. With all wounds healed, and the loneliness of single parenthood behind them, joy abounds, bonds are made and a new family emerges from the rubble. In retrospect I really should have been so much more specific in my MILF meets DILF manifesting visualization practices. I should have envisioned the ex-wife holding hands and singing Kumbaya along with everyone else. My bad!

The Ex’s cooperation in this little scenario was a lot more vital than I realized.

In my own childhood divorce drama the animosity primarily stayed between my mother and father. The new partners were, for the most part left out of the bickering or backstabbing.

Although my mother admitted later that even though she’d never wanted my father back, it stung a little to learn that he was the first to meet someone new.  Mostly because she was so mad at him by the time the divorce was done she just didn’t want to think of him as anything other than lonely and miserable.  

Anyhow, she did what any good mother would and she zipped it. She knew that whoever this poor unwitting soul was, she was going to play a vital role in the lives of her children.

She actually felt somewhat relieved to know that there would be a nurturing and stabilising influence around for us kids. Because she was a smarty like that, I was able to embrace my new step-mother and felt deep appreciation for her in my life. I also have a deep appreciation for my mother who put aside her own anguish for my sake.  I guess I expected that every other mother would do the same…wrong-o.

And so, naivete, blind love and good intentions completely skewed my better judgement.  I skipped happily out to the step child’s soccer games and school events holding hands with my yummy DILF early in our relationship. I made friends with the other moms. I set up play dates with friends at school. I was determined to be there for my DILF. Now these things are innocent enough and maybe I was under some delusion that my involvement would ease the ex's mind...wrong again.

Let’s face it, no woman signs up for motherhood with the intention of having another woman raise her children, even part time. These sorts of scenarios can make any ex jealous, angry even.

The angry ex is usually angry because she’s been hurt or betrayed and I get that.  Betrayal sucks, and anger is justified, but most good mothers get over it in time.

But sometimes the ex becomes angry because she is the betrayer, and been caught and turfed out on her butt. In this case, we are dealing with an Evil Ex. In the case of the Evil Ex, even well intentioned involvent such as watching a soccer game may trigger an alchemical reaction likened only to that of the making of a Marvel Comic Super Villain. Super Villains are dangerous. They might try to run over your DILF in her car. They might make a lot of noise in public places. They might attempt to have your DILF committed, or much, much worse, so much worse actually, I won’t even dare to blog it. But the WORST, worst thing a Super Villain Evil Ex will do is involve the children. Making a child choose between two parents and a bonus mom, who just wants to have fun with them and make them happy is... So Not Cool.

So here is my advice: When the Evil-Ex can’t keep her shit together for the well being of her own children, then you must.  You must become the super-stepmother heroin and dig deep into your chest and pull out a big fat chunk of empathy, because only your empathy can neutralize her super villain powers.

Empathy will serve to keep you neutral, and neutral is everything when it comes to your relationship and the well being of those kids. 

Empathy will serve you in the eyes of your partner, who only wants peace in his home and stability for his children who are grieving.  He will love you more for staying above any drama the Evil Ex tries to serve up.

It won’t be easy. Practicing empathy for an Evil Ex can feel about as easy as natural child birth.  I wish someone had told me, I would have gone to Buddhist boot camp for empathy sooner. Persevere.  You might need stiches from biting your tongue when you want to retaliate with some choice words of your own.  Alas, I have slipped.  But you will never trump the Evil Ex by playing her game. Transform.  Don your glossy cape and be the Super-Step-mom you were meant to be! OK, I’m being dramatic. Just swill down a big fat helping of suck it up butter-cup and be the peace you want to create in your new family.

Go ahead, hold hands and sing Kumbaya until it hurts.

Your step children will respect you for it and be happier and healthier for it, even if they aren’t allowed to love you for it…yet.

Your place or mine?

I have been pondering the possible causes for the litany of challenges my beloved (who we will refer to as Dream DILF or DD for short) and I have endured as a couple and a newly blended family. Over the weeks ahead I will be covering some of these causes and their effects. Things I didn't anticipate, but maybe should have? What could possibly go wrong when you are in love with a your Dream DILF and his two kids?

I mean, I love kids. I even have one myself.

DD obviously knew something I didn’t. The first 3 months of our relationship he repeatedly asked me “are you sure you want this?”  I thought he was being cute, however I realize now that he was referring to how I would adjust to life with children much younger than mine. Previously to meeting DD I had been living the single life of a ski bum and had a very independent 15 year old. This adjustment to my life will be the subject of another blog, I’m sure. Until then, we have more immediate drama to attend to. This is what I always wanted, after all, a real family and I was not going to let him deter me.

Despite DD only being out of his marriage for just a few short months, he must have considered the possible scenarios that might play out, given his already high drama divorce, should we choose to jump in with both feet and co-habitate. Had I known what he knew then, I might not have gotten on the divorce-coaster so eagerly. But was I was quite happy and oblivious in my love induced delusion thank you much.  And apparently so was he. Neither he nor I hit the brakes. We were too much in love for sensibility.

"Move in with you, really? Ok. Sigh." Clearly we didn’t think that one through all the way. 

“It will be great, we will all live together, and we’ll make illegitimate babies" Wink wink

Where was the practical headed nerd that I now know and love, then, huh?

So here’s my advice when the DILF of your dreams asks you to move into the home he shared with the Evil Ex:

 Do NOT move into the home DILF of your Dreams shared with the Evil-Ex. Gee, I wish someone had written this blog 18 months ago before I made that epic faux pas. Are those murmurs? Did someone say:  “Duh … is this blogger a complete idiot?”  You wait.  We are just scratching the surface of my awesome decision making.  Just keep reading my blog, you’ll see.

Yes, choosing the newly blended family home can be a real defining decision and is not to be made under the influence of a love induced delusion.  Just be patient, wait until the dust settles, the crime scene sells, and all of her Tupperware and underwear is packed up and out. Then you can move into a new place together.  Unless your life has become utterly boring and you want to add a little Evil Ex screaming and pounding at the front door to spice things up?  Forgive me if I sound callous, and I assure you we will be discussing empathy for the Evil Ex in a future blog. For now, this one’s laying in the extra-marital bed she made. Next week:  assets, underwear and Aww-kward!